16 November, 2008

Fresh Jokes....

Punjabi Girl
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from New Delhi
, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes
and house cleaning.
He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean
house and the dishes were done.
The second man had married a woman from Bombay .
He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the
cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn’t see any
results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was
clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Punjabi girl. He boasted that he told her
her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the
first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything but
by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a
little out of his left eye.

10 Commandments of Marriage
Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say; talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3
Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man
speaks and the woman listens. In the second year,the woman speaks and the
man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one
thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when
they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you
say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a
good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat
husbands like toxic waste.
Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished

The Infosys joke
This is the first infosys joke I came across... interesing.

Amitabh : Mausi ladka “Infosys ” mein kaam karta hai…
Mausi : Hai raam…
Amitabh : Aajkal allocated bhi hai…
Mausi : To kya kabhi unallocated ( i.e. bench pe) bhi rahta hai????
Amitabh : Ab C rating waalon ka allocation itni asaani se kahaan hota hai mausi …
Mausi : To kya C rating bhi aati hai uski????
Amitabh : Project manager se ladaai karne ke baad A ya uske upar ki rating to nahin na milti hai mausi…
Mausi : To kya ladaaku bhi hai????
Amitabh : Ab onsite jaane ko na mile to ho jaati hai kabhi-kabhi anban …
Mausi : To kya onsite bhi nahin gayaa aaj tak????
Amitabh : Ab civil engineers ka Visa itni jaldi kahaan lagta hai mausi…
Mausi : To kya ladka civil engineer hai???? Engineering kaun se college se kiya hai????
Amitabh : Bas uska pataa lagte hi hum aapko khabar kar denge!!!!!
Amitabh : To kya main rishta pakka samjhun mausi ??
Mausi : Bhale hi hamaari Basanti call center waale se shaadi kar le, par INFY waale se kabhi nahin karegi…….

Where was the sardar born ?
Man:sardarji where were u born?
sardarji: punjab.
man: which part.
Sardar: oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body is born in punjab".

Sardar on the plane
Santa Singh gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. He has never been on an airplane anywhere and gets excited and tense. As soon as he boards the plane, a Boeing 747, he started jumping in excitement, running from seat to seat and shouting, 'BOEING!BOEING! ! BOEING!!! BO....'.

The pilot in the cockpit hears the noise and annoyed by what's goings on, he comes out and shouts, 'BE SILENT!'

There's pin-drop silence every where and everybody looks Santa. He stares at the pilot in silence for a few seconds and then starts shouting, 'OEING ! OEING!! OEING!!!OE.. .'.

Sidhu one liners
That ball went so high it could have got an air hostess down with it.
There is light at the end of the tunnel for India, but it’s that of an incoming train which will run them over.
Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.
This quote was made after Ganguly called Dravid for a run and midway sent him back and Dravid was runout in the third test against the West Indies at Barbados.”Ganguly has thrown a drowning man both ends of the rope.”
Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taxi meter.
Statistics are like miniskirts, they reveal more than what they hide.
Wickets are like wives – you never know which way they will turn!
He is like Indian three-wheeler which will suck a lot of diesel but cannot go beyond 30!
The Indians are going to beat the Kiwis! Let me tell you, my friend, that the Kiwi is the only bird in the whole world which does not have wings!
As uncomfortable as a bum on a porcupine.
The ball whizzes past like a bumble bee and the Indians are in the sea.
The Indians are finding the gaps like a pin in a haystack.
The pitch is as dead as a dodo.
Deep Dasgupta is as confused as a child is in a topless bar!
The way Indian wickets are falling reminds of the cycle stand at Rajendra Talkies in Patiala…one falls and everything else falls!
Indian team without Sachin is like giving a Kiss without a Squeeze.
You cannot make Omelets without breaking the eggs.
Deep Dasgupta is not a Wicket Keeper, he is a goal keeper. He must be given a free transfer to Manchester United.
He will fight a rattlesnake and give it the first two bites too.
One, who doesn’t throw the dice, can never expect to score a six.
This was uttered after Eddie Nichols, the third umpire, ruled Shivnarine Chanderpaul ‘NOT OUT’ in the second test at Port of Spain, T&T. “Eddie Nichols is a man who cannot find his own buttocks with his two hands.”
Anybody can pilot a ship when the sea is calm.
Nobody travels on the road to success without a puncture or two.
You got to choose between tightening your belt or losing your pants.
The cat with gloves catches no mice.
Age has been perfect fire extinguisher for flaming youth.
You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
He is like a one-legged man in a bum kicking competition.
The third umpires should be changed as often as nappies and for the same reason

Sardar painting the porch
A Sardar, recently arrived in the US, wanting to earn some money,
decides to become a 'handy-man' and starts looking for some work
in an up market colony nearby.

He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner,
another Indian, if he had any odd jobs for him to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?" the owner

The Sardar responds, "How about $50?"

The owner says "Fine, there's a can of brown paint and brushes in the

The owner's wife, inside the house, overhearing the conversation asks to
her husband, "Does he realize that the porch goes all around the house?
That's a whole day's job."

The man replies, "He should; he was standing on it. Do you think he's

"No, I don't think so. I guess I'm just influenced by those stupid
Sardar e-mail jokes we keep receiving."

A short time later, the Sardar comes to the door and asks for the $50.
"You've finished already?" the husband asks.

"Yes," he replies, "and there was paint left over, so I gave it two

Impressed, the man reaches into his pocket for the money and hands it to

"And by the way," the turbaned guy adds, "it's not a Porch, it's a BMW...

How to catch a lion..
Indian Police Method:
Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion.

Rajnikanth Method :
Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime.
The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.

Jayalalitha Method:
Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping !

Manirathnam Method (director):
Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark
room with a single candle lighted.
Keep murmuring something in its ears.
The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

Karan Johar Method (director):
Send a lioness into the forest.
Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other.
Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion.
First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness.
But 2nd lioness loves both lions.
Now send another lioness (third) into the forest.
You don't understand right... ok....read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont!

Yash Chopra method (director):
Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic location.

Govinda method:
Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.

Menaka Gandhi method:
Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.

Ravi Shastri method:
Ask the lion to bowl at u.
U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run
Lion tired and surrenders

George bush method:
Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!!!

Newton 's Method:
Let, the lion catch you.
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Implies you caught lion.

Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.
Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon.
Now you can trap it easily.

Software Engineer Method:
Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion.
If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.

Romantic Desi indian one liners...
mere... Company kee ladkiyaan sunder hain Aur lonely hain...
Problem ye hai ki bus voh READ-ONLY hain...

Shayad mere pyar ko taste Karna bhool gaye...
Dil sey aisa CUT kiya ke PASTE karna bhool gaye..

Tumhare samne hain itney items Kabhi hame bhi pick karo...
Hamare pyar ke ICON pe Kabhi to tum DOUBLE-CLICK karo...

Roz subha hum karte hai Itne pyar se unhe good morning...
Woh humhe ghoor kar dekhte hain Jaise 0 ERRORS but 5 WARNINGS...

Ho gayi galti humse, Click ho gaya mouse
Duniya ki parwaah chhodo, ban jaao meri spouse!

Tumse mila main kal to, Mere dil mein hua ek sound,
Lekin aaj tum mili To kehti ho: Your file not found!

Ab aur kaho na tum, "but" ya "if"
Tum ho meri zindagi ki animated gif

Aysa bhi nahin hai ke, I don't likeyour face
Par dil ke computer mein, Nahin hai enough disk space

Ghar se nikalti ho tum jab, Pehen ke evening gown
Too many requests se, Ho jaata hai server down

Tumhaare liye pyaar ki application, Create main karoonga
Tum usse debug karna, Wait main karoonga

Tumhaara intezaar karte karte, Main so gaya
Yeh dekho mera connection, Time out ho gaya

Kya chaal hai tumhaari, Jaise chalti hai koi cat
What is your ICQ number, Aao karein chat

Tum jabse meri zindagi, mein aayi ho banke female,
Yaad raha na ab kuch, Na postman , Na e-Mail

Joh sadiyaon se hota aaya hai Woh repeat kar doonga...
Tu naa mili to tujhko dil sey Ctrl+Alt+Delete kar doonga...

Humse Kya Khata Hui Ki message Aanna Band Hai.......
Aap hi humse naraz hain ya Web Server band hai.......

Badli hai duniya , kuchch mein bhi badal gaya hoon
Pahle bekaar tha ab S/W Programmer ban gaya hoon

VC aaye to VB mein daal do,
VC aaye to VB mein daal do
seedhe seedhe sabko museebat mein daal do

Project extend ho gaya to kya ho jaata hai?
Are Tankha milti hai aur timepass ho jata hai..

teri yaad me sanam raat bhar humne to wine piya
teri yaad me sanam raat bhar humne to wine piya
kabhi offline to kabhi online piya

Pyar ke sitaare jab gardish mein hote hai
Pyar ke sitaare jab gardish mein hote hai
Laila ghar mein aur majnoo project testing kar rahe hote hai

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