One Liners - jokes

Ø When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't
talk for a year and a half.

Ø Join the army, see the world, meet interesting
people, and kill them.

Ø Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut
Up.'

Ø I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be
there when it happens.

Ø Always and never are two words you should
always remember never to use.

Ø I've never been drunk, but often I've been
over served.

Ø The road to success is always under
construction.

Ø I say no to drugs -- they just don't listen!

Ø Marriage is one of the chief causes of
divorce.

Ø Work is fine if it doesn't take up too much of
your time.

Ø When everything's coming your way, you're in
the wrong lane.

Ø Born free; Taxed to death.

Ø Everyone has a photographic memory; some
people just don't have film.

Ø Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

Ø Smile -- it makes people wonder what you're up
to.

Ø I love being a writer... what I can't stand is
the paperwork.

Ø A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case,
the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

Ø The hardest part of skating is the ice.

Ø The guy who invented the first wheel was an
idiot; the guy who invented the other three, he was
the genius.

Ø The trouble with being punc tual is that
there's no one there to appreciate it.

Ø If our constitution allows us free speech, why
are there phone bills?

Ø If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars
in the universe, he'll believe you. But if you tell
him a park bench has just been painted, he has to
touch it to be sure.

Ø Beat the 5 O'clock rush: leave work at noon!

Ø If you can't convince them, confuse them.


Ø It's not the fall that kills you; it's the
sudden stop at the end.

Ø I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder.

Ø Hot glass looks same as cold glass. (Cunino's
Law of Burnt Fingers)

Ø Someday is not a day of the week

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